I write in English and French so just scroll down and you’ll find a text you understand haha
J’écris en Anglais pis en Français fack fait juste descendre plus bas pis tu vas voir un texte que tu comprends haha

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i hear you’re saying so much stuff about me

do you really mean what you say?

all your saying is words

they don’t affect me or my moeurs

 

I was down for like 3 days cause i was wondering what i’ve done that you did not like. the anxiety was to the roof and only ate 3 full meals. dont worry there were plenty of 6-packs to compensate. i don’t think you understand how bad it was. you left me hanging. you left me thinking i was the worse. thinking i was the worse but also believing i was the worse. i didnt even questioned it. I was the worse human fucking being. you thought it would make me think about what i did, make me feel bad a bit and come back to you. i guess you haven’t heard me when i told you i was suffering from anxiety that time i opened up to you. I guess you thought it was sort of a joke or that i was exaggerating. well I was not. I was making so many scenarios in my head. wondering how could all of this had happened. I was alone. You left me alone, you played with my weaknesses. You knew all about them. i was hurt, i am hurt.

i’m sorry, it is my fault.

i’m sorry please come back

not sure but hopefull

Like, i have so many projects and things i wanna do in a close future. But it is honestly way too difficult than it needs to be. Like i’d like it to be so easy, you know when one has a plan, then ok we’ll sit down and make it possible, and then, as long as the people involved in the project are  still willing to do it then everything is so simple!!

but no, it is rarely as easy, and i mean i know that having some struggles is perfectly normal, but I still feel like it is too much, and that after a while it becomes unbearable and i just give up.

I wanna be part of something bigger. Something bigger than me. I wanna feel like i belong somewhere. I want to have goals. My goals are to have goals how dumb is that. I just want to have a purpose, a sens that my life isn’t meaningless. I don’t feel depressed or anything, but i don’t feel like i’m where i’m supposed to be. Shouldn’t have I accomplish more by now? Shouldn’t I be solemnly and deeply in love by now? Who’s there for me?

i’m asking myself many questions to which i have no answers.

You did

An oversized sweater suits you well

Is this smile for me or for someone else?

i wish i was the one to tell

you did put me out of my shell

 

you used to keep me in your closet

feeding me crumbs of crackers and cigarettes

i’d smoke until i’m out of breath

still not saying a thing about the threat

 

there is something about you

that makes me want to say « i do »

although it’s a taboo

i wanna love you too

messy

It’s so dark out that the rains doesn’t even feel like it’s there. I hear it but can’t see it. My body hurts and the tv’s too loud. wow there’s so much going on. everything is so overwhelming, I feel like every simple task is too much. i get so anxious thinking about that one thing i have to do in my entire day. but once it’s done i’m mad at myself for being so notious about it, cause after all it was no big deal.
At least I have the 2am version of myself, where i can be dizzy and truthful about things i feel. so sorry if my posts on here are like a mess. They might be but they are the truth. A messy truth but still.

Not a thing

I feel nothing. i’m not depressed, nor happy, i just am, just existing. i give valuable time to stuff that don’t matter. I guess i have difficulty finding what i like and what i don’t because i can’t feel stuff right. My mind and heart are always playing with me, making me feel like i desire something when in fact i don’t. It’s like they want to make me miserable. making me believe that i finally found something worth enough for me to give it time. but they always take it back from me and then again i’m all alone with heavy thoughts. But then again when it happens, am i feeling sad? angry? disappointed? can’t tell. I guess i’m not happy about it but i don’t feel depressed. I just…i don’t know, take the hit. In a way, i guess i’m comfortable in my « not-feeling-shit » thing, i’m never on the extremes of the emotion scale. it kind of protects me i guess. but in any case, i’d still like to feel more. Or do I ?

on leurs dira

On dira aux autres que c’était annodin, qu’on s’est pas tant rapprocher même si au fond on s’est pas lâché des yeux de la journée. On leur diras que c’était chill mais qu’il manquait de quoi, même si on sait très bien que toute les ingrédients d’une relations amoureuse était présent, même l’ingrédient secret qui fait que c’est exceptionnel, que ça arrive pas souvent, que c’est spécial. On leurs dira qu’on a pas assez de choses en commun, même si au fond on est un fit tellement évident, aussi évident que Donald Trump fera rien de bon pour les USA pendant son mendat. 20min avec toi pisj’ai vu le bonheur se multiplié pis mes soucis s’adoucir. Serieux on leurs diras ce que tu voudras, tant que ça soit juste toi et moi.

cliché

J’hai ça écrire pcq je finis toujours par écrire des trucs cliché mais si c’est cliché c’est parce que c’est vrai pis pcq ça fait des années qu’on le sait pis qu’on le répète. Pis la réaction du monde c’est de catégoriser toute ces choses vrai là pis les rendre « lame ». Je trouve sa poche de m’empêche de m’exprimer à l’écrit à cause que j’ai peur d’être impertinent pis « lame ». Personne dans vie devrait s’arrêter de faire quelque chose qu’il aime par peur de se faire juger. Mais c’est plus fort que nous. Pis c’est parce qu’on est des êtres sociable pis qu’on ne peut s’empêcher de se comparer. (J’ai appris ça dans mes cours fack c’est pas de la bullshit) mais on agit de la façon dont les autres nous perçoivent. Selon une brève interaction avec quelqu’un notre perception de nous mêmes peut être complètement chambouler, on donne le pouvoir à l’autre (sans même le vouloir) de totalement changer qui on est. Ok je suis un peu extrémiste, dependement de ton self esteem pis de ta santé mentale tu peux soit juste y pensé pendant quelques minutes ou ça peut t’affecter pendant des années. Hey pis ca va loin la, jusqu’à très récemment les femmes n’étaient que ce qu’elles etaient obliger d’être sans aucun droit d’opinion. Les hommes l’ayant quand même eu plus facile n’y ont pas pour autant échappé, parce qu’ils se devaient de paraître dure, fort. Ouais toute des beaux stéréotypes. Dans le fond ce que je veux dire c’est que jtun gars pis j’écris sque je feel sur les internet. Dans le fond ce que je dis c’est qu’on peux-tu rendre les stéréotypes cliché ? Question que ce soit eux qui soit rendu « lame » pis impertinent?

%

Caliss yé 10h pis jai déja mal, mal partout (musculaire pas sentimentale voyons). tssé le feeling ou tu feel tellement pas bien soudainement pis tu sais comme meme pas quoi faire. ca te pogne d’un coup pis tu passe de 4 à -6 pis le changement d’élévation te fucked up en esti. Genre sa doit être le fait que plus haut que t’es en élévation, moins d’oxygen tu as. Fak en passant de 4 a -6, jai PLUS d’oxygen que dhabitude, fack mon cerveau run plus vite, jpense a plus daffaire, pis vu que jsuis cave jpense a des affaires poches pis tristes. c’est la manière scientifique d’explique mon mood de marde j’imagine. J’suis quelqun de pessimiste pis de neurotic. completement instable. caliss j’ai mal a mes muscles. Jsais bin que sacré c’est pas bin beau, pis que si un prof de francais lie ca, il/elle va peut-etre décu par mon manque de vocabulaire pis mon usage de mot méchant, mais m’en caliss ça sort tout seul pis anyways c’est quoi un text full senti sans mots d’église? J’suis content qu’il soit si tôt, ça me donne de l’espoir, comme quoi qu’il me reste du temps. du temps pour quoi? jsais pas lol, watché netlfix.. boire une bière.. écrire sur mes états d’âme? j’sais meme pas se que je cherche. sa gosse. on dirait que toute s’que j’touche fini par brisé. Sa sonne calissement cliché mais jai vraiment ce feeling la que je peux pas avoir quelque chose de trop beau pis de trop précieux parce que c’est sur que je l’abime. I used to think it was all just un hazard genre, mais sibole sa arrête pas. c’est toujours hors de mon controle, je me rend compte de rien. faut pas je capote, je DOIS garder le controle. j’fais mon possible tinquiète. c’est comme si ça m’affectait pas, sauf je sais que oui, mais comme ca affecte juste un certain pourcentage de mon être, comme 15-20% fack j’ai du lousse. j’tencore bon pour un boute. J’me poserais des questions a 50-60%.

Not to you

I wrote you many letters, ok I only wrote one, ok I tried to write one, ok I scribbled and wrote words arranged in a way that didnt make sense. Still, I wanted to tell you so much but nothing came out right. wanted to tell you the real stuff, things that mattered. I just couldn’t do it, it felt like I was bringing out so much. stuff that I wasn’t sure I wanted you to know. it started to get so dark, struggles from within were trying to get their way out. and I couldnt let that happen. I didnt want you to think less of me, you were always so supportive. I remember how bad you wanted to become something. You wanted me to join in and be more than what we ought to. I guess thats where it stopped for me. I guess I got scared cause I knew I couldnt do it, or like I knew I couldnt handle it. Pressure, too much pressure makes me want to puke. It makes me run away, and so I did. i’m sorry, it wasn’t you, I meant to write you, I swear, I just couldn’t do it..not to you.

The loss

oh stop being so blue

the sky has been gray for so long

I don’t know how long i’ll been gone

but i won’t be too long

 

how heavy are you feeling?

im drifting in the wind

I was in a way so wicked

how low is the sky?

could you pass me by?

 

and now i’m asking all these questions

like I know how to answer them

oh keep it off of me

I know it’s not like it used to be

i’m no fool, well a bit

but how much is a bit?
a lot

 

I got these round sunglasses

so i could see fairly

these fairies you’ve been seeing all around

saying how bad they could change your life

 

and here we are under this building

acting all up like we’re some kind of universe

waiting for the window to bursts

we felt it and it was great

that’s the only thing i can’t regret

 

I know we all die alone

cheesy but it’s risky

don’t let me be me

change me

like you did to yourself

 

change me into something you don’t want me to be

how can you be so pretty?

when all you were was an entity just hoping to be saved

i’ve lost count of the many times i’ve missed

missed how it used to be

i don’t wanna soud edgy but I do

it makes that sound when i forget about you

we’re not one in a million everybody forgot about us two