Je t’ai regarder en me disant que jamais j’aurais pu te donner tout s’que tu voulais. Je pense que t’as lu dans mes pensée par ce qu’avec tes p’tit yeux piteux tu m’as rappeler que c’était pas toujours beau nous deux mais on s’avait. Pis j’pense que c’est ca qui me faisait le plus chier. Malgrés le fait que s’tai plus souvent négatif que positif, tu me regardais avec toute la reconnaissance du monde pis j’oubliais a quel point j’avais mal. Mais un moment donné faut se rendre à l’évidence, tu vivais l’amour a 100 milles à l’heure pis moi j’étais encore a la ligne de départ. tu faisais plein de dépassement illégaux pendant que moi j’arrangeais mon rétroviseur pis que j’mettais un bon poste à radio. Autrement dit ma limite de vitesse tu la dépassais, pis c’était trop. J’ai eu un gros coup su’l coeur pis je me suis appitoyer sur mon sort comme je sais si bien le faire. j’ai chialer pis je me suis faché mais j’ai appris ; s’tai pas bin beau nous deux mais on s’avait, en tout cas moi je t’avais, pis je t’ai perdu, pis tu m’a perdu, pis on s’est perdu. J’ai finalement péser su’l gaz pis je suis parti a contre sens, pendant que toi t’étais déja rendu loin, cherchant encore comment me rattraper. Mais c’était trop peu trop tard, de « Nous deux » y’en avait pu.
It is completely normal for someone to feel like they need the others’ appreciation in order to feel good about themselves. We are social creatures, we compare each other all the time, it made us evolve and be better, but it can also harm us, make us feel worthless. As much as humans are intelligent, they also are the most cruel. You can be let down by the people you love the most, you can be disappointed by people that were by your side for years, people who you considered friends, family. We give too much of our trust too fast. By relying on people we give them a part of ourselves, we give them too much control and people reacts differently when given power. They can either see it as something valuable and feel content that you love them enough to do so, or something in their head can click and they can realize how much power they have over you, and how easy it would be to make you flinch, to make you cry and break you. The fact that they take the power they have and use it negatively is simply the proof that humans can be capable of the worse. What is cool is that we often don’t learn, and just move on to someone else, giving them all of our love and trust, just to be freaking hurt again. We then do feel disappointed, but not suprised. How funny is that? we continue with the same relationships pattern knowing that we will probably get hurt in the end, and when we do, we are expecting it so much that it doesnt feel as bad. It is as bad. But is doesnt feel like it, cause we create this coping mechanism where we just feel lost and empty instead of sad and angry. I guess this is why we still continue with the pattern, we want to find the answers to our feelings of emptiness through others, we want to understand and change, but the truth is people can’t be the answers, they just bring more questions.
Don’t you also feel like becoming something big? someone bigger than life itself? and like experiencing all kinds of different stuff? But then, when an opportunity comes on, you suddenly back off or freeze, because you are scared of change. You dont want your comfortable habits to be challenged and changed. Arent we hypocrites in a sense? saying to people how bad we want to do cool and new stuff, that we want to broaden our horizons and have interesting story to tell when we get older, but not having the guts to do so when we have the chance. I’m so weak, nothing lasts forever man, do something. I have nothing to lose why can’t i make the jump?
i guess my relationship with alcohol is one of complete delusion. it brings me peace, peace that i would expect from normal things in life, but you know how things work. sometimes you just dont get what you expect. i guess normal people just are satisfied with what life gives them. But fuck off i can’t fool anyone, i’ve never been easy to satisfied i guess. altough i have the lowest expectations, i still get let down. I guess my anxiety is the breaking point. Alcohol makes me feel like im floating. like im lighter. like my problems are like an eagle’s feather, and since i’m my own problem, i am the feather, i’m dancing through the wind slowly coming down to touch the earth. alcohol is that moment when you are released from where you are from, but not quite where your are heading/ supposed to be. youre in between sky and earth wondering if youll find a peaceful place to lodge for some time. I just wish something in life would bring me this feeling, i wish i could feel it without having to drink a 6-pack.
everything was pretty good man, life was alright feeling great, the sun on my face, the sand, the heat, felt like i could dominate the world. But then came november. oh october was not that good but not as bad as fucking november. Right there all my hopes for the year were gone. everything i thought i could conquered before the end of the yeary jusdt vanished . didnt believe in anything anymore, the cold of november is a bitch y’all. it takes you and make you remember every lil regrets you have. And then, just like that, everything is all sorrow, evrything is sad and dark. Why do i feel so good when drunk? the song im listening to just vibes through me. there’s this sadness in me but i am not that sad. i’m just not whole, i’m empty and by myself. Can anything really help me ? i feel like i have to wait for summer or at least spring. Please wash the cold away and put a smile on my face for at least a few months. don’t forget about me next year i’ll be here, waiting for better days to come.
Men and women were always thought to be different, putting them both in different situations where it was thought that their best features or capacities were being put in good use in order to be efficient and to survive in a cold and difficult world. People were so convinced of these differences that they could not believe that men were capable of more feminine characteristics such as empathy and caring and that women could be head of big industries. Time has passed and feminist groups made their voices heard, explaining that they were as worthy as men are and that they can do anything. They took the place they deserve in society and are still working towards the goal of complete equality. Until then, progress has been made, but several stereotypes and traditional gender role are still present in today’s society. Some men still feel like they have to be strong all the time, showing no weak emotions. They badly cope with this pressure of being tough and courageous by using substance abuse such as alcohol. Inevitably, as many studies have shown, alcohol may leads to hostile and violent behaviors, which certainly have a negative impact on an intimate relationship. They can also engage in dangerous sexual behaviors or they can withdraw themselves from their family and their work, letting the woman dealing with everything. As for them, women have to continue to fight for their worth while dealing with several issues such as proving everyday that they are capable of running important industries while simultaneously doing most of the chores at home and taking care of their man’s bad ability to cope with the gender role stress they endure. Everything previously stated is showing that gender roles are putting enormous amount of pressure on both men and women and that these behavioural expectations can clearly affect them negatively as individuals but also as a couple.
Thankfully, the future is bright and hopeful, as humans are constantly improving and opening their minds to new realities, accepting differences but mostly realising that they are not that different from each other. Everyone has their own struggles and instead of dealing with it by ourselves, we might find peace and comfort into the love of a significant other.
I wanna be part of something bigger. Something bigger than me. I wanna feel like i belong somewhere. I want to have goals. My goals are to have goals how dumb is that. I just want to have a purpose, a sens that my life isn’t meaningless. I don’t feel depressed or anything, but i don’t feel like i’m where i’m supposed to be. Shouldn’t have I accomplish more by now? Shouldn’t I be solemnly and deeply in love by now? Who’s there for me? am i alone? will i forever be alone? i’m sad now, i wanna be someone 😦
So i had to read this study about the effect of alcohol on sexual behaviors and long story short, in the end alcohol doesnt have a big effect on your chances to get laid, what explains it all is your expectancies. Basically if you go out thinking that drinking and partying are gonna get you laid, chances are that consciously or not you will make moves to get what you want. Same thing for if you do not wanna have sexual intercourse. And i just thought it was very interesting. If you are positive and expect good things for yourself, for others, well you consciously or not will work towards that goal. And more often than not i feel like it works. On the other hand, when you only preach on negative stuff and dont expect a lot since you dont have a lot of self-efficacy, you might get what you wish. It’s all about expectancies and having a good and positive mindset.
Quand je me plaint pis les vieux disent « eh jte dis spas drôle être jeune » jrepond toujours : non? Non ce l’ai pas. Il y a des difficultés à chaques tranches d’âge, mes struggles sont valides pis j’ai le droit d’être triste, j’ai le droit d’être malheureux pis d’avoir peur, pis de me sentir overwhelmed, j’ai le droit d’être fâché pis de chialer sur le système judiciaire pis sur le racisme, l’homophobie pis la xénophobie. C’est pas parce que j’ai toute la vie devant moi que j’ai aucune raison de chialer. J’ai le droit de chialer, pis c’est pas moins important parce que j’ai sois disant pas vécu assez. Le monde va vite madame Thérèse, pis je veux pas de « attend d’être à mon âge » non j’attendrais pas, je suis vivant maintenant. C’est live que ça se passe. Pis je sais que « dans ton temps c’était bin pire » mais aujourd’hui c’est pire aussi, pis ça empire, pis c’est important. Parce que ça se passe la. Pas dans le passé, pis ça me fait chialer.
lis mon premier texte Nous deux
i hear you’re saying so much stuff about me
do you really mean what you say?
all your saying is words
they don’t affect me or my moeurs
I was down for like 3 days cause i was wondering what i’ve done that you did not like. the anxiety was to the roof and only ate 3 full meals. dont worry there were plenty of 6-packs to compensate. i don’t think you understand how bad it was. you left me hanging. you left me thinking i was the worse. thinking i was the worse but also believing i was the worse. i didnt even questioned it. I was the worse human fucking being. you thought it would make me think about what i did, make me feel bad a bit and come back to you. i guess you haven’t heard me when i told you i was suffering from anxiety that time i opened up to you. I guess you thought it was sort of a joke or that i was exaggerating. well I was not. I was making so many scenarios in my head. wondering how could all of this had happened. I was alone. You left me alone, you played with my weaknesses. You knew all about them. i was hurt, i am hurt.
i’m sorry, it is my fault.
i’m sorry please come back
Like, i have so many projects and things i wanna do in a close future. But it is honestly way too difficult than it needs to be. Like i’d like it to be so easy, you know when one has a plan, then ok we’ll sit down and make it possible, and then, as long as the people involved in the project are still willing to do it then everything is so simple!!
but no, it is rarely as easy, and i mean i know that having some struggles is perfectly normal, but I still feel like it is too much, and that after a while it becomes unbearable and i just give up.
I wanna be part of something bigger. Something bigger than me. I wanna feel like i belong somewhere. I want to have goals. My goals are to have goals how dumb is that. I just want to have a purpose, a sens that my life isn’t meaningless. I don’t feel depressed or anything, but i don’t feel like i’m where i’m supposed to be. Shouldn’t have I accomplish more by now? Shouldn’t I be solemnly and deeply in love by now? Who’s there for me?
i’m asking myself many questions to which i have no answers.